day 65

emotions and food:

this past weekend was memorial weekend. we were on the go for the most part...and after a week of some pretty anguishing moments, i was left feeling really worn down and exhausted. david had friday off and his mom was there to watch the kids...so we decided to take a few hours for lunch and some shopping.

for the first time, i felt deeply frustrated with my new way of eating. i was too tired to think let alone stress about food and finding a place we both liked, where i could eat a healthful lunch. it was cold and raining hard and i just wanted a nourishing soup. i did not want a flesh based broth...i just wanted what i wanted and yet we both did not know where to go. i was also too exhausted to think about preparing something nourishing at home. i just really needed a day out, away from all stress and here i was stressing about 'my eating'.

the sad diet is not for me...but trying to find a relaxing place to eat good healthy fruits and veggies and a properly combined meal, is almost nearly impossible these days. until i lose this extra weight, i am determined to stay on track. but life right now is becoming a bit much for me. this morning i read a scripture about troubles coming from outside and from inside...this is me right now. davids family issues, austin issues, the higher cost of living and feul, the possible loss of the cs income, david being in this dead end job with such little pay....i am stressing out too much....just waaaay too much.

i think it is all the harder on me because i am still detoxing and have given myself over to these emotions and not to food. i have had my moments....like last night....i made ani phyos nut 'cookies'with coconut and almonds in them. i ate too much of it. nuts i have learned are hard on my body to digest...so i am thinking i will soak them for when i need them.

preparing uncooked foods:

to be honest, with my already busy life, 'uncooking' is very time consuming and not for a 'fly by the seat of my pants' person like myself. i am talking with regards to dehydrating breads etc. and more staple like items. with a family of 6, it is not economical or practical. it would be easy to eat this way if it were only me...but i am rethinking investing in an expensive dehydrator...i mean, i will buy the sprouted grain breads at fresh and easy or ezekial. also, 'soaking nuts' to make the desserts....no thank you. i don't want that many nuts in my system anyway.

i enjoy eating fresh salads, and am just now adding more sea weeds to my diet too :) i find that my favorites are cucumbers with tom's and avo's with anything :) i enjoy smoothies for breakfasts and snacks, and fruit salads mid morning or sometimes for lunch too. i also love fish and recently tofu too :) seseme seeds on tofu with a good dressing and over a salad..or farm fresh hardboiled eggs, warmed and over a bed of greens.

Pants buttoning now :)

finally...those pre-wedding pants are buttoning. i have my thin, thinner and thinnest jeans now hung up in my closet...and my j.crew jeans (size 6) are loose everywhere, but the waist. i have so much extra fat around my belly it is amazing. that is my worst area and the cellulite around my uppper thighs in the back..which apparently is pretty obvious in my bathing suit on the beach. :(

i wish more than anything that i could just get this fat off of me....i want to have body confidence again. i am 41 in 5 days...and i am beginning to really want to turn back that clock and be 'young and beautiful for as long as i can....

enough babbling on. i am just very low these days. i am admittingly struggling and i do not want to focus on it.

IT IS WHAT IT IS....

i need to give it to God and seek out the rest i so need right now.

DAY 62

hmmm. so much has been happening on my journey. emotional pitfalls have been challenging. austin decided to go and live with his dad. i don't want to get into it all here in this blog...but to say that it was done in a hurtful way, some things he said really brought me down to my lowest point...and i found myself 'smoking' a cigarrett or 2. omgsh. i mean for me to light up in the middle of a cleanse, it was that painful for me.

i completely bypassed the 'comfort via food' arena and went straight for the instant 'i need a nicotine calm me down surge pronto'....of course, this is my own dirty little secret. no one knows...i almost got caught smoking in the back yard by david...but it was dark and he did not see me put it out.

ok on to a better day now..

so in a nutshell...i think my weightloss has hit a platue again. my honeymoon jeans are tight around my waist still. my belly has the most fat and is taking its sweet time. they fit well all over, but that one area. my belly still has rolls and i have a long way to go if i keep going so slowly at this pace. i am trying not to get frustrated.

i eat high raw (low fat) all day til dinner, and i will usually have a ton of raw veggies, or salad with avo or fish with veggies....i have been a little more lax with the grains/breads this week...considering how emotional i have been and how my body has craved carbs during this time.

i also noticed that i am not drinking enough water....i pretty much drink only water, or herbal tea and avoid caffiene other than greet tea. i live on the smoothies....and have not juiced this week much. i am going to begin the juicing all week next week and hope to lose some more by my bday.

right now i am off track mentally....cant you tell? i am focused on the weight. not the health....but the weight. i am still going strong and good...but i find that i slacked here and there....and boy, my body seems to just put everything on hold while i do that.

i noticed that beans/legumes slow my digestion. so i am steering clear of eating them more than once a week. also i need to stay away from rice/grains, at least, eat them in moderation....i do not what i weigh but i noticed my body is very different now from pictures of me one year ago.

i was so fat...and at the time i did not get how fat i looked. i notice it now....why not then? it scares me alot...i wonder if what i see now is really i 'see'. what i saw then was not what i see of me now back then....ugh. it freaked me out.

we went to the beach last weekend and i was able to walk about with my bathing suit on....i felt thinner but still in comparison with the younger babes swarming all around us, i felt really fat and ugly. i hate that and i know i sound like i am being harsh on myself right now, because well i am!

i still have a long way to go and i get so impatient. i am keeping on this path and losing very slowly...exercise came to a hault the last 2 weeks....why do i do that to myself? i have felt so very down over this emotional stuff and i have allowed it to hault me and steer me off course.

i need to NOT do that ... i need to continue with my work outs...i am wanting to get a few things...a rebounder, a dehydrator and a good blender...

tonight i made some raw cookies with some fresh coconuts from ani phyos recipe book...they were yummy to me....but david was not that into them. i think because of the way our taste buds have become different. i love that i can appreciate the taste of living foods so much more now...but i know when i 'cook' for others, it tastes different to them...anything too sweet for me is not sweet at all for them. odd...

DAY 58

today david treated me with a surprise ! he passed by an asain market on his way home for lunch and picked up 2 young thai coconuts! oh wow...we cut into them right away and i made us chocolate coconut jp smoothies with the coconut water and we indulged with the flesh :) it was yummy.

i also finally got my ani's raw food kitchen book from amazon (along with jeni's bible and sitd) i am truly inspired to start dehydrating those crackers and breads.

today i am nibbling on a cucumber salad/tomato tofu salad mixed with lf asian ginger dressing (annies) and sprinkled with sunflower seeds :) yummo!

i have had some eomtional days since beginning my raw journey and i have learned to deal with my emotions without the comforts of my 'comfort foods' facing my emotions head on has been scary, but i have grown closer to God because He has been able to heal me without the 'use' of my usual suspects...food.

day 52 of high raw diet

well...it has been 52 days. wow. almost 2 whole months. i am so proud of myself. i do feel better eating this way. i am on my P and like i said before, my goal to stay well nourished in my cycle to ensure energy after the P ended. i am on the last day or 2. it is lighter than before this time around.

i am not sure the fruit all day is working for me tho. my itchy flaky scalp came back and although i am getting fat in at dinner and in my morning smoothie with the flaxseed, there is something missing. i noticed it was gone by week 6 of E2L, but one week after starting the fruit flush i noticed it came back. this week, (week 2) it is back with as worse as ever.

so i am returning to high raw with fruit only in the am til lunch and then i am going to add some seeds, and a little more fat to my diet. i am starting to see the fat on my belly, hips and but go :) and that makes me happy. i am going to up my greens...and enjoy eating that way for all around better health.

fruit all day was a bit too much for me and to be honest, my body did not release that much fat. as promised in jay robbs books. i felt like gagging some days if i had one more 'sweet' tart meal. i need more balance.

another thing i am noticing about the raw food community...at least those on gi2mr...they are all so rigid. their self talk in the forums is about failure if they have 'cooked' food. it is sad to see and really bumming me out. i am not sure any of those people really do know what they are talking about. God is a God of balance. and health is my main goal here....100% raw may not be the healthiest thing for my body....some cooked foods here and there are good and i am sticking with that.

there is more to life than just what one ingests orally, there is the spirit to eating and enjoying the eating....to take the joy out of eating is like taking the life out of living. you are left with dust...and i want my food to be nurturing and good. and so does God...that is apparent to me.

*this am i had fresh squeezed organic valencia oj first thing. it felt good getting enzymes in my empty belly first thing.

*soon thereafter, i had a jp smoothie with banana, extra tsp of G&B cocoa, flaxseed and one cup of almond milk.

it is now 2pm and i am feeling peckish so i am off to have a cucumber, tomato and avo salad :)

i really am looking forward to adding back some nuts into my diet. perhaps i will have some almonds today too :)

i am in love with ecco in claremont, they have a raw food cafe with some great choices and i am off to purchase a raw food recipe book too :)

i want to learn to make some raw food crackers, and cookies for the kiddos. i feel like i am losing the weight now and can finally be a bit less extreme. i want to splurge a bit more here and there.

last night i had pasta with a ton of saute'd veggies and marinara sauce with goat cheese :) i loved it! it was wonderful!

i need to enjoy cooked foods in my diet...and i know i can properly combine them now, so i did not feel 'guilt' over eating that pasta. it was all properly combined, with the exception of the cheese, but i had to have some :)

i think that i am going to give myself my splurges on my P....as a cycle of comfort and ease up to be a bit more gentle during that time :) ...it just feels right for me.

MOTHERS DAY AFTERMATH - LAST DAY OF FRUIT FLUSH

yesterday was mothers day :) a lovely day indeed. we woke up a bit late and hurried off to church, so without my usual breakfast smoothie, i guess you can say my first meal of the day was at around 1 ish, and it was a sapporo beer (yowza) and a big gigantic 'asian invasion' sushi roll !!! filled with veggies, crab, deep fried shrimp, avo and wrapped in the nori and covered with rice and more avo :)

on next to dessert about 4 ish...with david at arrufo's. we had a coffee liquor with 3 different alcohols (liqours) and a chocolate mouse cake. i almost felt like i was going into some type of diabetic panic about a half hour later! and to top of the day....pizza from tj's. it was veggie at least. ugh.

so you can say this weekend was a big 'blow it' weekend for me....however, i enjoyed every bite and am not going into 'beat myself up ' mode :) it was an emotion weekend from the stand point of the horrible end to the rift with my dad...and i really could not focus on the feeding the kids, my emotions and the celebratory kind of restaurants we ended up at. it was all a bit overwhelming and i got really off task. however, both friday and sat morning i did have my green juice and today i am doing a 'flush', and back on task.

last night i had my smooth move tea with a whole lemon squeezed in it and it was so delicious. i also indulged in a tbl of almond butter with real raw honey on apples and raisins mixed in, to aid in my 'morning cleanse'.

i am on day 2.5 of my P and i am happy to report how light it is. the first 2 days have been really light and no discomfort at all. today i am having some cramping here and there,(actually the heaviest of all) but nothing too bad, a little fatigued, but i am doing my juicing all day til dinner when i will have a huge romaine detox salad :)

i enjoy eating this way so very much. i feel better and my skin is becoming so soft and my eyes are starting to brighten. i have been 75% raw for almost 2.5 months now. i have no desire to go back to the sad diet. i love feeling light and losing this weight.

saturday afternoon was interesting. my 'honeymoon' jeans which have fit really well lately but still a bit too tight to button at the waist (that part of my body is not releasing as quickly) was tight in the am, but by afternoon i was buttoning them just fine. :) ???? what gives? how funny huh?

after a dinner of a veggie burrito and that horrible detestable 'tea room food' ack - i was needing to unbutton them again. over all i can see the change in my body now :) i am just hoping to hit this hard with my bday coming up!!! my goal is to be able to fit into a size 6 very comfortably at that waist. i am a size 6 every where else...right now, but my hips! they are still out of proportion for my body...but i can see some definition in my arms now :) i am so motivated to keep up the good work i am doing.

my progress:

more energy
better mood
happier
clear headed
better body image
softer skin
no bad breath
losing weight
younger feeling
younger looking
healthy example to my family/children

DAY 12 of fruit flush

started my period today. the last 3 days has been an emotional rollor coaster for me. irene and my dad admittingly kept grandma thelma's gift from me for weeks without even a phone call. to summarize i wept very hard when i found this out and it grieves me to the core. i wrote all my feelings out and sent them off. my dad hung up on me and told david, 'he is done' and ranted on and on about he is the victim in all of this.

ugh. any way. deep layers of emotions surfaced and today i get my P. great. so - i have not stuck with the fruit flush as per jay robb's instructions. i have my jp smoothie with fruit in the am and i love that. i also have been making a nice green juice in the am with cucumber, celery, apples, spinach and romaine....had it today and yesterday. i also caved in and ate a snicker doodle at borders after the emotional day i had.

today i took hannah to 'tea' and i am feeling it now. white bread, sugar, sugar and white bread. it tasted wonderful but i am feeling an exhaustion i have not felt since i was on the sad daily.

this is just a wonderful reminder to me to keep eating raw/veggies and fruits.

i am not sure how much in pounds i have lost. most of my 'prewedding' clothes/pants are fitting everywhere except the hips/waist. i have yet to get them feeling really good buttoned. i am losing weight every where else...but the hips and waist/mid section is taking its sweet time.

irritating. i am keeping on tho. i am learning to say ok, so i ate a cookie last night....i just went right back to eating great today...minus the stupid tea. NOT worth it. sugar and white flour is truly the devil. i feel it now. i just wanna take a nap.

i have my P but no cramps. a little moody, but not as bad as before raw.

took a great bike ride today with david and the girls up to 19th and over to starbucks where i had a nice healthy fruit bowl.. this after a morning of smoothie, green juice, and water :) wish i would have not had that tea...but i was not planning on it, it was the only thing on the stinky menu that they were serving since it was 'mothers day weekend', and i had promised hannah and she was so excited, so i could not back down and we paid 22 bucks for white bread slathered with cream cheese and some god aweful stuff, a scone with all the trimmings and cookies. ugh. i was really bummed. but it was for the experience with my daughter on mothers day weekend. so i can justify.

i enjoy having that one meal a week where i just don't think and eat what sounds good just for the emotion of it...sheer indulgence to me now :)

plan of action for my period this month...plenty of green juice every day...lots of fruits and vegg's and some grains too :) also exercise daily ..... hopefully and weeks end, i will not feel like i did last month.

Day 8 of fruit flush

well...there has not been much time to keep track of this flush...so i am going to pop in every few days to report my progress. not sure the pounds i am losing here, but to be honest, i am past the point of connecting with a number on a scale for my confirmation. it has moved beyond that for me. i am focusing on how i look in the mirror, how my clothes fit, and how i feel over all every day.

my energy has finally perked up! i am feeling light and wonderful. i am eating fruits all day now with ease, at first it was a struggle...i have eliminated grains but do crave them from time to time. i am in a rhythm of my jp smoothies with bananas first thing in the am....i am loving watermelon, berries, apples, and fresh squeezed oj...yum. no nuts, or lara bars, but i LOVE my big salads for dinner. usually hardboiled egg whites, red onions, cucumbers half an avo, toms, over romaine with a low fat vinaigrette or annies low fat honey mustard dressing. about 3 nights a week i make fish and have some cooked veggies too :)

i am not about 'being' a 'raw foodist' or being a 'vegan'. for me this is about healthy cells. making them, and keeping them clean and healthy. it is about feeling beautiful from the inside out. i am turning 41 and i know i want to look a certain way by then...i have 25 days to get there....and i am a good path. i enjoy eating this way and am feeling to good to ever go back to being 'sad'. {standard american diet}.

this weekend we were invited to celebrate dona's bday and i did have a small slice of chocolate cake with butter cream frosting. it was ok. i enjoyed the few little bites i took and knew that i was 'breaking' bread with others, in celebration of the occasion. the next day, i was back on track :) it is that simple for me now :)

i can feel the healing coming up from within me. i am beginning to love living again. :)

day 4 fruit flush

yesterday i ate fruit til dinner....around 4ish i had a big bowl filled with cucumbers and tomatoes, drizzled with lemon and a little sea salt. ;)

the day brought some emotions up...i was pretty wiped out by 5ish....i fell asleep on the couch with noise and commotion all around and actually slept there for a few hours!! omgsh.

this morning has been better :) i got in my 45 min walk with murph and the girls...my energy felt 'ok' this morning....and when i returned home i was a bit weak. i am working hard on making smoothies that are not full of calories....the coconut milk, dates and bananas can add up and while i am 'losing weight mode' i need to watch it.

this morning i was finally able to 'release' the pent up stuff that was inside and i felt a bit better...i need to drink that smooth move tea each evening from now on. i have been pretty gassy and the fruit has not 'filled me up' and by noon time i am pretty much OVER eating fruit! i keep telling myself to NOT give up. i want to make the most of this time. the most of this month. i have omitted beans and grains and nuts too....and i am strictly doing the fruits and a big salad with 1 whole or half avo each evening :)

today i had:
jp smoothie with water, frozen strawb's (organic) jp fruits, flax seed
pear
smoothie with 2 ice cube coconut milk and about table spoon of coconut flesh blended with banana and water


wow....i am detoxing more today than i have all 6 weeks!! whoohoo! i am thankful that i kept at it. it has taken me about 4 whole days (been at this since monday) and coming off last weekends retreat, where i ate well...and food combined almost every meal - but i am releasing alot of waste and all day yesterday i felt like i had a brick in my lower colon area...i hope to release as much as possible. i think the coconut helped this morning.

for dinner i plan on omitting the avo since i got plenty of fat from the coconut milk (it wasn't 'fresh' but canned from tj's which was 50% less fat) and i froze them into ice cube trays and am placing them now in my smoothies when i want to use coconut for daily fat.

i feel as tho i am getting a handle on this way of eating. until i release all of my body fat, i am going to stay on a low fat 75% raw diet. nuts and seeds are pretty much out...as is other higher fat raw foods.