day 65

emotions and food:

this past weekend was memorial weekend. we were on the go for the most part...and after a week of some pretty anguishing moments, i was left feeling really worn down and exhausted. david had friday off and his mom was there to watch the kids...so we decided to take a few hours for lunch and some shopping.

for the first time, i felt deeply frustrated with my new way of eating. i was too tired to think let alone stress about food and finding a place we both liked, where i could eat a healthful lunch. it was cold and raining hard and i just wanted a nourishing soup. i did not want a flesh based broth...i just wanted what i wanted and yet we both did not know where to go. i was also too exhausted to think about preparing something nourishing at home. i just really needed a day out, away from all stress and here i was stressing about 'my eating'.

the sad diet is not for me...but trying to find a relaxing place to eat good healthy fruits and veggies and a properly combined meal, is almost nearly impossible these days. until i lose this extra weight, i am determined to stay on track. but life right now is becoming a bit much for me. this morning i read a scripture about troubles coming from outside and from inside...this is me right now. davids family issues, austin issues, the higher cost of living and feul, the possible loss of the cs income, david being in this dead end job with such little pay....i am stressing out too much....just waaaay too much.

i think it is all the harder on me because i am still detoxing and have given myself over to these emotions and not to food. i have had my moments....like last night....i made ani phyos nut 'cookies'with coconut and almonds in them. i ate too much of it. nuts i have learned are hard on my body to digest...so i am thinking i will soak them for when i need them.

preparing uncooked foods:

to be honest, with my already busy life, 'uncooking' is very time consuming and not for a 'fly by the seat of my pants' person like myself. i am talking with regards to dehydrating breads etc. and more staple like items. with a family of 6, it is not economical or practical. it would be easy to eat this way if it were only me...but i am rethinking investing in an expensive dehydrator...i mean, i will buy the sprouted grain breads at fresh and easy or ezekial. also, 'soaking nuts' to make the desserts....no thank you. i don't want that many nuts in my system anyway.

i enjoy eating fresh salads, and am just now adding more sea weeds to my diet too :) i find that my favorites are cucumbers with tom's and avo's with anything :) i enjoy smoothies for breakfasts and snacks, and fruit salads mid morning or sometimes for lunch too. i also love fish and recently tofu too :) seseme seeds on tofu with a good dressing and over a salad..or farm fresh hardboiled eggs, warmed and over a bed of greens.

Pants buttoning now :)

finally...those pre-wedding pants are buttoning. i have my thin, thinner and thinnest jeans now hung up in my closet...and my j.crew jeans (size 6) are loose everywhere, but the waist. i have so much extra fat around my belly it is amazing. that is my worst area and the cellulite around my uppper thighs in the back..which apparently is pretty obvious in my bathing suit on the beach. :(

i wish more than anything that i could just get this fat off of me....i want to have body confidence again. i am 41 in 5 days...and i am beginning to really want to turn back that clock and be 'young and beautiful for as long as i can....

enough babbling on. i am just very low these days. i am admittingly struggling and i do not want to focus on it.

IT IS WHAT IT IS....

i need to give it to God and seek out the rest i so need right now.