DAY 62

hmmm. so much has been happening on my journey. emotional pitfalls have been challenging. austin decided to go and live with his dad. i don't want to get into it all here in this blog...but to say that it was done in a hurtful way, some things he said really brought me down to my lowest point...and i found myself 'smoking' a cigarrett or 2. omgsh. i mean for me to light up in the middle of a cleanse, it was that painful for me.

i completely bypassed the 'comfort via food' arena and went straight for the instant 'i need a nicotine calm me down surge pronto'....of course, this is my own dirty little secret. no one knows...i almost got caught smoking in the back yard by david...but it was dark and he did not see me put it out.

ok on to a better day now..

so in a nutshell...i think my weightloss has hit a platue again. my honeymoon jeans are tight around my waist still. my belly has the most fat and is taking its sweet time. they fit well all over, but that one area. my belly still has rolls and i have a long way to go if i keep going so slowly at this pace. i am trying not to get frustrated.

i eat high raw (low fat) all day til dinner, and i will usually have a ton of raw veggies, or salad with avo or fish with veggies....i have been a little more lax with the grains/breads this week...considering how emotional i have been and how my body has craved carbs during this time.

i also noticed that i am not drinking enough water....i pretty much drink only water, or herbal tea and avoid caffiene other than greet tea. i live on the smoothies....and have not juiced this week much. i am going to begin the juicing all week next week and hope to lose some more by my bday.

right now i am off track mentally....cant you tell? i am focused on the weight. not the health....but the weight. i am still going strong and good...but i find that i slacked here and there....and boy, my body seems to just put everything on hold while i do that.

i noticed that beans/legumes slow my digestion. so i am steering clear of eating them more than once a week. also i need to stay away from rice/grains, at least, eat them in moderation....i do not what i weigh but i noticed my body is very different now from pictures of me one year ago.

i was so fat...and at the time i did not get how fat i looked. i notice it now....why not then? it scares me alot...i wonder if what i see now is really i 'see'. what i saw then was not what i see of me now back then....ugh. it freaked me out.

we went to the beach last weekend and i was able to walk about with my bathing suit on....i felt thinner but still in comparison with the younger babes swarming all around us, i felt really fat and ugly. i hate that and i know i sound like i am being harsh on myself right now, because well i am!

i still have a long way to go and i get so impatient. i am keeping on this path and losing very slowly...exercise came to a hault the last 2 weeks....why do i do that to myself? i have felt so very down over this emotional stuff and i have allowed it to hault me and steer me off course.

i need to NOT do that ... i need to continue with my work outs...i am wanting to get a few things...a rebounder, a dehydrator and a good blender...

tonight i made some raw cookies with some fresh coconuts from ani phyos recipe book...they were yummy to me....but david was not that into them. i think because of the way our taste buds have become different. i love that i can appreciate the taste of living foods so much more now...but i know when i 'cook' for others, it tastes different to them...anything too sweet for me is not sweet at all for them. odd...