DAY 18 -----GAINED WEIGHT????

emotional today....physically feeling ok.

so here we are....last night i stepped on my rickety old dial scale and it said i was up to 136!!!

this morning, after my walk with the stroller and murph, i showered and stepped on the scale again naked, (last night i was naked too) and it read 134. any way, i am not sure if i am pms'ing and retaining water or what. i did have some sea salt last night with my soup.

but here is my theory: the first 2 weeks i was strict E2L. then i found avo's, lara bars and coconuts, agave nectar, and i am wondering how in the world i ate enough to get a 3 to 5 lb gain? in 2 freeking days?

Last night i had another irrational emotional breakdown. i was overwhelmed and tired yesterday, feeling hungry...very very hungry. and today i am very very frustrated that i am apparently 'over eating enough to gain weight' and yet, feeling faint (both today and yesterday on my walks - ears popping sensation) not 'low energy' just weak in the am til i have my smoothie.

i am committed to keep myself away from the fatter stuff. even tho they are 'good calories and good fats' i am going to focus on just going raw all the way (pavlina's blog is helping) and staying the course.

i am upping my work outs too. morning walks and a 20 minute elliptical later in the day. 2 adays are good way to work off my extra weight.

i found this quote interesting and profound on pavlina's blog and i want to keep it within reach to remind myself of my 'real' feelings towards my food desires:

"When I first looked at the breakfast potatoes that Erin, Kyle, and Emily were eating, they looked pretty good to me. But after I assembled my giant fruit collection, I forgot all about the foods I wasn’t eating. I also began to notice that my attraction to the potatoes felt more like an addiction than a real need to eat them. The fresh fruit appealed to me in an entirely different way. With the potatoes I felt like I wanted to have them in my mouth, to enjoy the salty-oily taste and smooth texture. But with the fresh fruit, I felt like I wanted to put those foods into my body, to feel their life-giving energy inside me. The part of me that desired the potatoes was different than the part of me that desired the fruit".

for my goal of weightloss, i am going to be steering clear of agave, and using avo's only once a week. stevia will replace my need for sweetener.

FOOD LOG:
water 16 oz
jp smoothie DBL- water, banana, flaxseed 2 tsp, ice, jp fruits (2) echinacea capsules (2) stevia
water
split pea (my homeade) w/ one slice of ezekial bread toasted
chopped veggie salad with lowfat honey mustard
cucumber calif. rolls (no soy sauce)
sumi salad (about 1/2 cup)
2pc's of 65% cacao (hershey's)

EXERCISE LOG:
morning walk up euclid with jogger and murph (appx 40 minutes)
17 minutes on ellipt (level 1 and 2)

*i am beginning to feel that a 'label' is not what i am after. i do not want to get caught up in 'i am a 'this or i am a that'. i love the approach that natalia rose takes to life and eating, 'i eat what i what, when i want it'.

i think i am just getting so impatient with my extra weight and with my bday coming up...that i have been feeling a bit frustrated because of this 'drastic change' in my diet. i think i am anticipating my body to just 'kick it in' quicker than it is.

so, ok, this week i had a set back. and i have been feeling very hungry as well. i wish i had someone to bounce all of this off of. but i don't...and i am frustrated in my struggle to find what works for me. was my initial weightloss just water and normal for a 2 week first time out? i really was hoping to lose more weight. i am realizing after all my research of other bloggers who keep tabs and record like i am, that we each have to find our own groove. i have also learned quite surprisingly that many vegans AND raw foodists actually gain weight over time.

it is looking as if, dr joel f is right. the most simplified, unrefined foods are the ones to keep weight down and lose. is my scale off? or did i gain? did those few little bites here and there really overcompensate for the noshing on fruits and veggies all day? i mean c'mon!!! one avo only has appx 300 cals, and i have been only having half, and that was maybe just 3 days this week...IF that!

larabars worked great when i was on the road and needed something, as well as my almonds. and here's another downside...this way of eating can not only get boring but it disturbs me on a deep level that i have to make 2 dinners, one for the family and one for me.

can i survive on this way for the rest of my life? or the next 3 weeks? i feel as though i should keep going and add a 7th week, due to this set back. i was sure i would be in the upper 120 range by now. but no. i gained and am back to where i started. crazy and really makes me sick.

i am so stuck. i am stuck in the 130's and i hate it. my stomach fat is aweful and i have so much fat on my butt and thighs. i can see a small difference in my upper arms and my ankles...and i can almost get my skinny pants to button...but it is too tight and too uncomfortable.

i want something drastic. i want to just get this fat off once and for all. i am NOT at peace with it anymore. and deeply disturbed that i am gaining weight.