DAY 19 - weight still up to 134-5

ugh.

today i melted down. woke up with minimal energy (when am i going to feel the 'vitality' they all talk about?) and the girls were melting down too. the morning has been aweful. i made the mistake of stepping on the scale and it is still up 134-5ish.

david called and i just freaked out...i emotionally collapsed. i am ready to pull every hair out of my head. this radical change is killing me on emotional levels, energy levels..i am in the kitchen all day long - ontop of taking care of everyone else, making their meals, there i am constantly juicing or chopping or cleaning.

i am so angry right now. i feel that if the scale were going down AND i had more energy and less emotional freak outs, i could look at my progress as purposeful...as getting me some where. but now, here i am thinking i am going to have to see a traditional doctor (insurance reasons because i cannot afford an alternative nutritionist) and have some work done up because i am fearing that i may have a what i feared all along, a thyroid issue or something worse.

why in the hell am i not losing weight? i am soooooooo frustrated and so angry and so OVER THIS! eating 'gerbil food' and skipping the chocolates and the things that make me 'happy' and bring me comfort. going out of my way to be 'good' and eat only what E2L says i should! GOD FORBID i have a few avo's or lara bars or coconuts! sheesh, wasn't the freeking gerbil food minus the calories to 'splurge' on something good for me? i mean, i had only a smidgen of avo and a teeny bit of coconut!

the scale should read down in the 120's, even 129 would make me estatic! i have been working my ass off doing all the right things. i just want to lose 15 lbs! it should not be this freeking hard.

and one freeking question. day 15 i was 131. how in the world does someone gain 4 lbs in 2 days?

you know what... i am sick of the scale dictating my moods. i am tempted to just throw it away. i am beyond myelf with it. i feel as though i should not weigh myself, but instead measure my progress and see inches coming off and measure by my skinny jeans.

exercise:
20 minutes elliptical
with interval squats, while lifting dumbells -upper body

FOOD LOG:

breakfast:
double smoothi (jp) water, 2 tsp ground flaxseed, jp fruits, frozen banana
(out for the day) - took a bag of 2 apples, sm-bag of carrots, almonds, water.

snack:
munched on carrots -
munched on apples -

lunch:
got fresh juice of greens and beets 12 oz from podges
had one small raw 'pizza' from 'eco' claremont health food store
lara bar

snack: apple

dinner:
Roasted veggies over romain: 1 tbl olive oil, fresh lemon and sea salt, drizzled over asparagus, maui onions, zucchini, shallots, mushrooms at (400 for 20 minutes) over romaine with 2 tbl light dressing
tomato cucumber and avo (1/2 avo) salad with sea salt and lemon

dessert: 2 70% dark chocolate squares